It's been a while hasn't it.

Exams coming up in a couple of weeks and I know fuck-all about my subjects, not for lack of trying, mind.

Oh well, eyes closed, feet and knees together and accept the landing, as they say.

"Press up position - Down"

Rhine platoon lines the corridor once again. Once again Cpl. Kew has that sadistic look again...shite

Too many times to count:

"LOWER. RAISE.LOWER. RAISE.LOWER. RAISE."

Then:

"HOLD"

arms shaking, heart beating in ears, not good this holding business.

Now he's asking how the tune in Indiana Jones goes, when Indiana runs across the crocodile pit.

Nobody seems to remember, in the meantime people are starting to die in the press up position. Ah, finally some joker at the back starts humming it.

Looks like the joes have to sing it in unison. In the press up position.

A mexican wave of groans and cries of pain rolls my way.

OOMPH! I see the funny side of it, I guess, but with the good cpl re-enacting the scene from the movie with us as the crocs and him as indiana does my legs and back no favours.

That was a good day in hindsight, at least we weren't beasted to within an inch of death as was the general theme of training with the Paras. Bless.

I'd do it all again if I could.

Ironing my kit for inspection, belting out The Smiths' "bigmouth strikes again" while Bingo Bevans and Faz look on. The Queen is Dead was pretty much the soundtrack to my days at Para coy.

Bevise went on to 3Para, last I heard of Fazza, he was discharged and planned to join the Marines *traitor*

*sigh*

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gargh! I hate my life...

Pay Parade...

I thought I'd start writing whatever memories come to mind regarding my spell in the forces for future reference, I know what my memory is like..

I found this diary entry I'd posted on an army site back in july when I was still in training.

Usual routine is: March up to Plt Cmdr, salute, Name number and check pay.

Last pay parade (thursday) things didn't quite follow that time-honoured tradition:
Pte. Gordon marches up with pants around ankles, cap back to front and thumb in mouth.

Pte. Heywood walks backwards around the corner to the pay desk- wearing his uniform back to front and salutes backwards.

Pte Pretorius (Skeletor lookalike) marches up and announces "BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL, I AM PRIVATE PRETORIUS!PAY CHECKED AND FOUND TO BE CORRECT SIR!"

Pte Jones walks up to platoon commander bollock naked wearing a repirator with a huge purple slap-mark across his buttocks (courtesy of a cpl). Lt (unfazed)comes back with a "you know you cant march with that money in your hand" and makes jones march off with £200 in £20 notes sticking out between his cheeks...


Pte Jenkins minces up with headdress askew and in a unnervingly accurate frank spencer impression says hes private spencer and is going to give his betty some money so she can feed the pussy (!).

Pte.Storey leaps around the corner with arms across chest and screams "ONE THOUSAND, TWO THOUSAND, THREE THOUSAND, CHECK CANOPY! I AM 25113513 PRIVATE MEKON-HEAD SIR!" squatting all the while. (mekon being a small alien with a big head. nuff said)

Pte "Big" Smith (massive bloke) comes tearing around the corner with fingers as horns and snorting etc while I "do a matador" with my maroon jumper. Platoon shouts "Ole!"

Pte Muir (quietest bloke in platoon) catwalks around the corner with a camouflague bra-top and massive boobs and with his trousers back to front with the zip open. Adopts 'gay' pose and blows kiss to platoon comander. (That was one the Lt wasnt ready for )


Airborne!